Chapter 1.13

Chapter 1.13- Apathy and Ennui

                It melts Helen’s heart to see Phedra finally looking up to her in the same way Cyrus looks up to Buck. Those eyes pierce her heart like an arrow. Buck had sat down with Helen to ask for children with his own name, his blood; looking at her daughter almost makes her want more. Almost...

                Hoping not to run into Helen until he can wash his face and calm down, the last thing he wants to see is Helen attempting to teach Phedra to walk just inside the door.

                Shutting the door as softly as he can, he watches the pair for a moment, enjoying being a fly on the wall.

                Helen catches sight of him finally out of the corner of her eye.

                “Hey, you,” she says. “I didn’t hear you come in. Did you get the doctors tv fixed?”

                Trenton is all Buck can think about. He’s replayed the entire scene in his head over and over on the way home. No matter what angle he tries, he still sees that he looked just like his father and not at all like himself. He really doesn’t like what he sees when he does that either, the big ape beating up someone just because they were there.

             “I fixed the tv,” Bucks voice is heavy.

 His words slower than normal, the drawl more pronounced. This all brings Helen up short though her outer focus is still on Phedra.

“Hey,” Buck says. “Hey Helen, I-uh-I really gotta talk to ya. Now... Now, please. Right now.”

                If the drawl and demand to speak to her immediately alarmed Helen, it’s nothing to the fact that Buck cannot meet her eyes. He’s always the one making her meet his eyes. She’s never seen him turn from her, never imagined what could his cloud easy going natural sunshine.

                When he doesn’t speak, either, her heart pulse starts to quicken.

                “Buck?”

                His head snaps up quickly, making Helen blink in surprise.

                “Met Trent’n today, outside ‘a the hospital as I’as comin’ out.”

                A tiny alarm bell starts ringing in Helen’s brain. He can hardly face down the darkness at night time, what on earth…

                “Had a tussle. Mighta told ‘im ‘bout Phedra bein’ his kid. But ‘at was before I dusted ‘em up. ‘E might not remember it come tomorra’.”

                It’s relief more than anything for Helen. She’s pretty sure that Trenton would never believe he has a child, and certainly not her child. She’s also relieved that Buck wasn’t arrested. There is not a worry in her mind about the well-being of either man. Buck is too gentle for his own good, and Trenton is a 90-pound weakling, more concerned about his complexion than his muscle tone.

                “So,” Helen begins. “So, maybe he knows, maybe he doesn’t. That’s really not what matters-”

                “Not what matters?”

                She holds up a hand trying to calm him.

                “I doubt he’d believe it,” Helen soothes. “Even if he did, he wouldn’t recognize me. He thought my name was Elaine, and it was with my hair dyed. I don’t really care-“

                Buck blinks hard, making Helen stop.

                “I thought,” Buck stammers a bit. “I-I thought you didn’t wan’ ‘im to know? I thought… I thought I’d messed up real bad.”

                It’s difficult for Helen to explain exactly what she’s feeling right now. It’s almost an apathy for the whole situation. She really doesn’t care whether Trenton knows or not, whether he cares or not, whether he believes it or not. She just doesn’t care. More importantly, she doesn’t want to care.

                A heavy sigh escapes her. She’s going to have to try to explain it, and has no idea how, or even where to start.

                “If it were Cyrus’ dad,” she says. “I’d be upset that you fought him. Cyrus’ dad was a really great guy. He would have loved to have known he had a son, and would have done his very best to take care of him.”

                Knowing that she’s lying through her teeth, Helen shakes her head and starts over.

                “Ok,” now it’s her turn not to meet Buck’s eye. “Ok, Norris was an ok guy. He would have loved Cyrus, but he’s not here now. He never knew, he never will, and more importantly he doesn’t currently live here. “

                ‘He doesn’t currently live anywhere,” Helen thinks with a roll of her eyes.

                “But,” Helen continues hoping Buck won’t interrupt. “But, Trenton does live here. He is in the same town as his daughter. And it’s a tiny town. A tiny town with only about 50 residents currently. In his mind, surely he’d know if he fathered a daughter who's living right under his nose.”

                A light flips on in Buck’s eyes. Understanding is slowly beginning to dawn.

                “There is nothing to do in town right now but gossip. There aren’t enough people to hide behind,” Helen tells Buck. “And lets not forget, we put it out that she is indeed your daughter.”

                “So,” Helen continues. “I don’t care if you told him. He’s not going to believe you, he doesn’t know you, and I don’t care. I don’t care that he’s here. I don’t care whether his wife finds out or not. I don’t care if you beat him into a bloody quivering mass. I don’t care if you called him out for being a dick.”

                Taking a breath, she looks hard at Buck.

                “And you don’t want me to care,” Helen says forcefully. “We don’t need the money from child support. We don’t want him in this house. We don’t want him in Phedra’s life. Imagine what having him in her life could lead to. What kind of an influence would he be?

                “Most importantly, you don’t want me to care because then I’d be hung up on a one night stand, which is definitely not healthy.

                “You are Phedra’s father. She may not have your blood. She may not have your name, but she is your daughter. And Cyrus is your son.

                “So I’m sorry, but you don’t look like you’re too badly hurt from this encounter and beyond that… I just don’t care.”

                Buck is stunned to hear much of this. He continues to look at Helen, who is now focusing on a photograph from her old home on the wall. He didn’t realize that the reason she didn’t want Trenton to know was because he wouldn’t believe it. He hadn't thought that Trenton’s knowing could lead to Phedra having him as an influence. He also didn’t realize how much his plea about blood and a name hurt her.

                Cyrus was his little buddy. He didn’t realize that though in his head they were not related, that in Cyrus’ head, he was Daddy. That Phedra saw him as a father since there was no other available man. He’d hurt her badly. And not the way he realized.

                He’d have to try harder. From now on, he would. And starting this moment, he’d teach Cyrus how to say Daddy. It would be his name. A name he would wear just as proudly as Sixkiller.

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                Helen had noticed the change in Buck, the softening towards both of her kids. It surprised her a little that he could do so as she was already jealous of the relationship between Cyrus and Buck. If anything, the bond between the two had intensified and calmed at the same time. Cyrus was a little more content to share Buck with Phedra, while Buck focused on both children even more than he had before. To repay him for listening to her, Helen decided to do whatever she could to check out his story from the grave yard.

                Her story to Buck was she wanted to visit her father’s grave and that she wanted photographs of things in the cemetery. He didn’t question it. It was his night off and he’d keep the kids entertained and taken care of while she was out.

                She’d forgotten that William had intended to finish the landscaping in the colonnade. His intent was to block out the view of the neighboring science center. It was still very peaceful though. Helen would have to let the caretaker know of her familial background so she and Buck could buy a plot in the family’s blocked off resting place.

                Staring at her father’s grave did nothing for her. In reality, she hadn’t known Craig very well, and he hadn’t taken the time to try with her or her siblings. He really didn’t know William. Maybe it was for the best that he never saw how the madness that ran in his mother’s family had intensified in William. Maybe William would still be alive if Craig were also. Maybe, things would be even worse.

                Helen looked at the glowing sky bitterly. As with her apathy toward Trenton, her ennui toward Craig was just another thing that could matter no more in the here and now. She had put her past behind her to focus on moving forward. Standing here moved her back to places and times where she was pampered and life was easy, yes. But in those times, she hadn’t learned the relish that comes with survival through struggle. Now, she can’t imagine being without it.

                Buck had told her that it would be a few hours after the sun had set when ghosts routinely left their graves to wander the graveyard. With lots of time to kill, she went in search of photos to sell at the consignment store.

                There were stone benches scattered through the park, running out of ideas, Helen took one, waiting. If she had to, she’d be here all night. She didn’t know if Buck had been making it all up, or if he had been hallucinating from fear, but she would wait to see what happened.

                Looking up from playing on her phone several hours later, she slowly stood up. There they were.

                They made no sound and seemed to materialize from nothing. Some of them appeared to talk to one another. A few pulled out shadowy books, sitting down on the benches to read.

                Helen couldn’t believe her own terror. She’d never been one to spook easily, but this was simply unbelievable.

                Mostly, the ghosts ignored her, letting her snap shot after shot. A few posed for her. One tried to talk to her, though she could only hear a weird whispery moaning. The woman’s shade seemed to like that she was photographing them though, appearing to encourage her.

                Helen only stayed an hour or so after they had appeared. A warm bed and a stiff drink seemed in order after this night.

                Turning when she reached the gate she watched one woman’s ghost fall over onto the ground after a man sneaked up and scared her. Finally, Helen wasn’t afraid of them anymore. They were as cowardly as Buck. The thought comforted her, even as the sight of the cowardly ghost on the ground made her laugh. She couldn’t wait to talk to Buck about it all.

                The entire house was in bed when Helen arrived home. It was disappointing to her, as she really wanted to talk to someone about what she had seen. She’d have to wait until morning though, and Helen went to go to bed herself.

                An attempt to pull her clothes off brought on a wave of nausea so bad, she couldn’t wait to take care of it.

                So she ran.

Straight to the bathroom.

                When she finally felt like her stomach had calmed down, she cleaned the bathroom and again attempted to head to bed.

                ‘What on Sim Planet did I eat?’ Helen thought.

                The thought hits her suddenly, bringing her up short.

                ‘Oh,’ She thinks to herself. ‘Oh, my.’

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     Oh my, indeed... ;)
     And now to go and finish the landscaping in the graveyard. I'd forgotten I meant to do that after this chapter. It is Buck's job after all. Might as well make it look like he's doing something. lol